Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just found puke in my bra..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
