I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Randomize
