3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
