that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
