I just threw up on my dentist
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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