I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
