So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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