dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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