what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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