i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
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