I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
