I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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