so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
