He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
