I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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