Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
