Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
