in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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