jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
