just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
