Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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