Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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