420 ftw
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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