Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
