I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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