First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
