They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
