Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
