Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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