I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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