Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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