so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
