I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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