I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
