She is in my trunk
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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