he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
