I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
