god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
