I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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