my phone needs a breathalizer
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
