meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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