Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My pussy is not your playground.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
