thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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