Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
