I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
