Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
