Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
