moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
