Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
