i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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